I haven’t written in a week. It has been a confusing week to say the least. I was really sick, and I was in a lot of pain. It felt like a knife was stabbing me in my right kidney. I was in so much pain, I actually cried. I thought maybe I had a kidney infection, or maybe I had a kidney stone. I knew I needed to see a doctor. I knew if I asked my husband he would most likely come up with excuses, many, many excuses as to why I cannot go see a doctor.
I live within walking distance to two hospitals and the pain continued to worsen as the day progressed. I went to the drawer where I knew my insurance card was kept. I pulled it out and saw my name was still written wrong on the card. My husband had promised to fix it months ago. I decided to log on to the website and fix the name myself.
When I did this I found out our insurance policy had been cancelled. Now mind you, I am bent over in serious pain, than this happens? I thought how could our insurance be cancelled? Our premium is only $1 a month for the family. That’s right just $1 a month. Than it dawned on me, he did it, or didn’t do it. He didn’t make the $1 payment.
Am I really not worth $1 a month, or was it the 5 minutes to get up and walk away from a video game to make the payment on the computer that I was not worth?
I sat down and cried.
The pain was unbearable.
I wanted to die.
He came home and I asked about our insurance. He looked me in the face and lied that it was paid up. I told him I logged on to the website and what I had found. He said, “Oh well I haven’t paid this months.” I pointed out it was the 27th. This month was pretty much over. It turns out he hadn’t paid since June or possibly earlier.
I went to the Emergency Room as medically needy. When I was called back to the intake nurse, I spilled my guts and told her everything. My husband sat in a chair in the waiting room. I told her I hadn’t seen a doctor in over a year, I told her about the medications I was supposed to be on and haven’t been, and I told her why. I said I had been to counseling at the women’s shelter but there isn’t much they can do if you don’t have a police report or any physical abuse.
She understood and had me called back to two more nurses. Those nurses questioned me and took information. They sent me back to the waiting room where I sat with my husband.
Finally, we were both called back to a room. I had a cat-scan, and they found I have water on a lung and gallstones, but my kidneys were okay. The doctor gave me a list of clinics that will see me for free and help me with my medications that I need to stay alive. My husband can no longer use the, we don’t have insurance, or we don’t have money for the co-pay excuse that he has used for so many years.
I made an appointment with the clinic for yesterday. The day prior I realized they had not emailed me the time as they said they would, so I called. The woman on the phone said they had tried to call me but couldn’t get through. (I am not allowed to answer the phone.) My appointment had been cancelled. I rescheduled for next Thursday and I have the official time.
When my husband came home from work I told him what happened and he laughed at me. HE LAUGHED and said, “Oh I’m sorry baby doll.”
Was this funny? I stood up to him and I said, “It wasn’t funny, and my life is important. It may not be important to him, but it is to me and our children.” I also said if he can’t love me there a dozen other men that would kill to love me. I probably shouldn’t have said that but I was hurting.
He took me out to dinner.
This morning he told me he couldn’t take me to my appointment because of his work schedule, but he would try to work it out. (If you recall, he took my car away last March)
I will walk if I have to. I live in the city; I can take a bus.
I’m so over it. I just want to be valued. I just want to be loved.
Don’t I deserve that?
Will I ever know what it feels like to be of value and to be loved?