Entry 3

Dear Diary,
I haven’t written in a week. It has been a confusing week to say the least. I was really sick, and I was in a lot of pain. It felt like a knife was stabbing me in my right kidney. I was in so much pain, I actually cried. I thought maybe I had a kidney infection, or maybe I had a kidney stone. I knew I needed to see a doctor. I knew if I asked my husband he would most likely come up with excuses, many, many excuses as to why I cannot go see a doctor.

I live within walking distance to two hospitals and the pain continued to worsen as the day progressed. I went to the drawer where I knew my insurance card was kept. I pulled it out and saw my name was still written wrong on the card. My husband had promised to fix it months ago. I decided to log on to the website and fix the name myself.

When I did this I found out our insurance policy had been cancelled. Now mind you, I am bent over in serious pain, than this happens? I thought how could our insurance be cancelled? Our premium is only $1 a month for the family. That’s right just $1 a month. Than it dawned on me, he did it, or didn’t do it. He didn’t make the $1 payment.

Am I really not worth $1 a month, or was it the 5 minutes to get up and walk away from a video game to make the payment on the computer that I was not worth?

I sat down and cried.

The pain was unbearable.

I wanted to die.

He came home and I asked about our insurance. He looked me in the face and lied that it was paid up. I told him I logged on to the website and what I had found. He said, “Oh well I haven’t paid this months.” I pointed out it was the 27th. This month was pretty much over. It turns out he hadn’t paid since June or possibly earlier.

I went to the Emergency Room as medically needy. When I was called back to the intake nurse, I spilled my guts and told her everything. My husband sat in a chair in the waiting room. I told her I hadn’t seen a doctor in over a year, I told her about the medications I was supposed to be on and haven’t been, and I told her why. I said I had been to counseling at the women’s shelter but there isn’t much they can do if you don’t have a police report or any physical abuse.

She understood and had me called back to two more nurses. Those nurses questioned me and took information. They sent me back to the waiting room where I sat with my husband.

Finally, we were both called back to a room. I had a cat-scan, and they found I have water on a lung and gallstones, but my kidneys were okay. The doctor gave me a list of clinics that will see me for free and help me with my medications that I need to stay alive. My husband can no longer use the, we don’t have insurance, or we don’t have money for the co-pay excuse that he has used for so many years.

I made an appointment with the clinic for yesterday. The day prior I realized they had not emailed me the time as they said they would, so I called. The woman on the phone said they had tried to call me but couldn’t get through. (I am not allowed to answer the phone.) My appointment had been cancelled. I rescheduled for next Thursday and I have the official time.

When my husband came home from work I told him what happened and he laughed at me. HE LAUGHED and said, “Oh I’m sorry baby doll.”

Was this funny? I stood up to him and I said, “It wasn’t funny, and my life is important. It may not be important to him, but it is to me and our children.” I also said if he can’t love me there a dozen other men that would kill to love me. I probably shouldn’t have said that but I was hurting.

He took me out to dinner.

This morning he told me he couldn’t take me to my appointment because of his work schedule, but he would try to work it out. (If you recall, he took my car away last March)

I will walk if I have to. I live in the city; I can take a bus.

I’m so over it. I just want to be valued. I just want to be loved.

Don’t I deserve that?

Will I ever know what it feels like to be of value and to be loved?

Entry 2

Dear Diary,
I’m as confused as ever. Last night my husband and I were watching the Emmy’s on commercial break I told him my friend “Faith” was very sick and I was worried about her. He said, “Oh I thought she was mad at you.” I said, “No she is just busy and very sick. Her A1C was very high and so was her blood pressure. They told her she has to take shots now and that she is very lucky that her kidneys have not started to fail.” He said, “Oh.” (didn’t seem like he cared.) I replied, “She is lucky to be able to see the doctor and be on medications to help her. You do know people can die from diabetes right?” He said nothing. I was kind of bitchy and said, “I guess we can continue to ignore me being a diabetic, I mean maybe the problem will go away when I die.” That really hurt to say. I hate that I don’t matter. I hate that he has no response or care to that statement. I hate that he tells me he loves me and throws me away like that.

Right now as I write this he is vacuuming the living room for me. I suppose I need to go and be thankful and praise him. I am thankful. I’m just confused.

One of my best friends today sent me a message on facebook and said, “I feel as if it is all my fault. If I had stayed married to their father….” and “I probably should have stayed with XXXXX, even though I was miserably unhappy. At least that way I wouldn’t be likely to end up burying my son dead from an overdose.”

If I leave my husband, will I mess my children up more than they already are being messed up by me staying here?
How do I know what is right and what is wrong?

I know I want to live. If I stay here I will not live much longer. Am I being selfish to want to live and have medical care?

I feel like a flower trapped in a box with no sunlight to feed off of.

Another friend emailed me and quoted Gandhi “Of all the evils for which man has made himself responsible, none is so degrading, so shocking or so brutal as his abuse of the better half of humanity; the female sex.” And also quoted, “Any attempt to impose your will on another is an act of violence.”

This decision is scary, terrifying, and frightening. I know I can fly if I am just given a chance to try.

Ann Anymouse

First Entry

Dear Diary,
I have decided to start this online diary under an assumed name. I want to figure out what is wrong with me, and what is wrong with my marriage. I believe I am being abused, but I don’t carry scars and bruises. Can you be abused without being beaten?

My childhood was violent. It was brutal, and I was abused in every sense of the word. My husband he doesn’t hit me. Well he hasn’t in a long time, but yes he has in the past. I guess that is what makes me confused.

He can be so loving and charming, and I truly believe he loves me. I just don’t know if he knows how to show it. Maybe in his way he does show it and I am completely crazy. That is a possibility. I guess this online diary will help me figure it all out.

Why do I think I am abused if I am not beaten?

1) I am not allowed on the bank account. I have no access to money.
2) The credit cards in my name were maxed and he refuses to pay on them or any bills that come in my name, crippling my credit.
3) He emptied my 401 K to pay for a ticket he had and never paid. He was arrested and needed bail money as well to get my car that he was driving out of the impound. Also we were on the verge of being evicted again and money was needed for a new home. He had threatened that if I did not do this the kids would not have Christmas gifts.
4) The first 18 years of my marriage I didn’t drive. I had a driver’s license but I was afraid to drive. Whenever I would ask if I could drive again, he would say no. I learned to drive and got a car. I never missed a payment, he had it repossessed last march. He lied to me when he took over the responsibility for making the payments that he was making the payments.
5) I am not permitted to answer the house phone, so we leave the ringer off.
6) My cell phone was taken away, although a friend gave me her old one for emergencies with minutes.
7) I can no longer go out with my friends without permission. I do not access to money or transportation. I am isolated.
8) He use to threaten to kill me if I ever left or if I ever had an affair. When questioned he would say, “Baby doll I was just joking.”
9) There are medications I need to stay alive. He refuses to allow me to see the doctor siting the cost of the appointments and medications. He has done this for years off and on. At one point I had a mini stroke off the meds. This is what caused me to get a car and a job in another state. I left for medical insurance. He refused to help send money for the kids to eat. I struggled but paid all the bills and begged for food from the food pantries.
10) He makes me the bad guy in front of the kids when I complain.
11) When I cry he laughs at me. He does this a lot.
12) He refuses to admit that what he did to me years ago was rape. He believes man cannot rape his wife. I ended up in the hospital after one of those episodes, and received a heart filter.
13) He has a temper. I hear him yell and freak out but rarely does he direct it at me. It will be at those I love. This scares me and makes me want to be compliant and defuse the situation.
14) I recently told him I felt suicidal and couldn’t go on living like this anymore. I asked no I begged while crying to please let me see a therapist. He gave me every reason why it was not possible.
15) When he started physically hurting me years ago I convinced him to go to a therapist with me. When we left after that 1 appointment, he said he did not have the problem but I had it. The therapist gave him a book to read that would help me, and help us move forward. He refused to read it. He reads 2 or 3 novels a week and could not read this 100 page book for me.
16) He makes me feel like I have no value and no worth.
17) He makes me feel ugly. When I post a new profile picture he makes a point to tell me I look ugly in it, or like a dork etc…
18) He hardly ever lets me get a haircut. In over 20 years I have had a handful of cuts.
19) I’m not allowed to buy new clothes, and I feel blessed when I get permission to shop at a second hand store.

I love him and I will always him. He is the father of my children, but because of my children I want more. I want to be able to drive, answer the phone, see my friends, have my own bank account, get medical care, be able to get my hair cut, buy clothes, take care of my kids… am I asking for too much? Am I being too demanding? Am I crazy?
I’ll end my first blog here. Please feel free to correspond with me here. I’m going to work this out. I know I need to leave. I want to leave. I will leave. I will figure this out.

Ann Anymouse